Dear Mom....... the day after

Dear Mom..  yesterday was really good once I was out of here and at Karen's.  It felt so good to be surrounded by family (or the next best thing).  All of whom knew you and loved you like I did.  And we talked about you too :-)  I love them all and they love me and I could feel it at a much needed time in my life.  I thought the last 6 months were hard without you but yesterday was the worst day I think.

Today I'm so-so.  Kind of back to normal.  Weepy on and off.  I forgot to take pictures yesterday so I'm annoyed at myself.  Also I made a few decisions today.  Let me tell you, you have one hell of a racist little niece out there. She just can't give it a rest.  Today, the day after Christmas she's online posting untrue stories to provoke hatred to Muslims.  I've already had it out with her about this shit and you should hear her.  You would be appalled and shocked.  I've warned her (and her sister at one point) that I'll take them off my facebook soon because that stuff disgusts me.  So since she's already started again, just one day after Christmas, she is going off my fb.  I'm sick of it.  I told her to customize her shit and put me in the "don't show this to" box but she refuses to.  So she is going, I don't give a shit if she's my cousin.  And she really hurt your sister too.  She called me Christmas morning because she was missing you and wanted to talk to me and wish me a merry Christmas and while we were talking she told me that this cousin of mine was in one of her moods and hadn't talked to her, her own mom, for weeks and Christmas morning she tried to call her daughter and no one answered the phone!  I felt so bad for her.   Even if they went out for Christmas day to visit their adult children, she could have picked up the phone first and called her mom.  Shame on her and she'll regret that one day.

Well........ I guess I should get my shit together.  I have a grant proposal to do and check my email and go and block that racist cousin of mine lol ..   I love you mom. (((hugs)))

Dear Mom......... Merry Christmas :-)

Dear Mom......  Merry Christmas Mom!  ((((Hugs))))  Our first Christmas not together.  It's way too quiet in here and way too lonely.  No gifts.  It was difficult to not keep buying little things I saw while out.  I think maybe that was the hardest.  All the decorations in the stores and outside and on homes..  there was no forgetting for a moment it was Christmas and you weren't here to celebrate with me.  No presents for you.  No watching you smile so big when you opened even the smallest of gifts.  Yesterday I paid Mel to put up a few of the hanging decorations.  It just seemed way too empty in here with nothing up.  Took a lot to refrain from decorating your room this year.  I'm so used to doing it all up for you so you could enjoy the decorations all through the season.  Of course no one in our family offered to do it for us (me).  One would think I would be used to that.  Mel has been paid to do it for us for more years than not. 

I have one little tiny tree lol  Your friend Gertrude and her granddaughter gave it to me at the seniors Christmas Event this year!  It's cute, you would love it.  Clear plastic tree that shines different colours.  I'm sure they picked it up at the $ store but that doesn't matter.  It brings me a bit of joy and that's all that counts. 

You wouldn't believe the weather either.  Yesterday it was 63 degrees F !!!  Yes!  It's freakin weird.  I would have taken you out for a nice walk yesterday for at least an hour in nothing more than your thick sweater.  You would have loved it!  It's been really unseasonably warm ma.  The dogs are loving it :-)  They get up every morning eager to go out.  I open the door and there's no cold air!  It's Christmas morning and it's 45 degree's out there.  Imagine that!

I love you Mom.  And Christmas will never ever be the same for me.  Just another lonely day.  I'm going to Karen's for dinner later this afternoon and that will be nice.  Lisa and Noah will be there and I have gifts for Noah and little Robbie (Karen's grandchildren).  I'll put up a good front and I will have a good time and glad I can spend some time with those I consider my family.

(((hugs)))) mom.........  big time.

Dear Mom......... rough around the edges

Dear Mom.......  I'm wondering if I'm looking a wee bit rough around the edges these days.  Today I went to Crappy Tire to get the dogs new beds for Christmas and to get Karen a little something to take to her home (she invited me for Christmas dinner so I'm not alone), and all of a sudden someone came up to me I haven't seen in some time.  Joseph, a really nice guy, one of the few left, that works for housing.  He kept mentioning my health.  Do I really look that bad these days?

I cry a lot lately Mom...  I miss you and these holidays are not going over very well for me.  I'm trying to cheer the hell up but it's not working.  I don't have any Christmas decorations up.  No one has called me to help so they are sitting up on the top shelf of the closet where I guess they will just stay.  Maybe I'll stay home and be miserable here instead of inflicting myself on Karen's family on what's suppose to be a joyous day. 

I need to do something.  I think I would be good at giving out dinners somewhere but I can only stand for so long so I'm not much good really am I?  If I had money I'd go out and feed some people that way but I don't have the money to do that.  I need to win Friday's Lotto Max, it's $60 million.  I could feed a whole lot of people with that.  I wish I could fill my hours like that.  Giving it away slowly to those that really need it.  Sometimes I just want to shut down my organization because some of those people are just so greedy Mom.  You used to tell me that and boy is it ever true.  I actually removed a few people from the program simply because of that.  Greed. 

I hate this Christmas without you....    In these past 5 years of taking care of you since you were bedbound I hadn't thought about what would happen when you were gone.  I didn't think of how many friends dropped off because I wasn't available any more.  I'm not complaining Mom, never will about taking care of you.  I just never realized how they were dropping off until now and now I realize how alone I really am. 

Dear Mom.......... dark

Dear Mom.......  I'm in such a dark place lately.  Not sure if it's Christmas coming or just me.  I'm in a lot of pain too.  Between my back and nerve pain I think I'm about to lose it.  No matter what I do, sit or stand or lay down, it all hurts the same.  I take more pain killers now than I ever did and all they keep talking about is back surgery again and I am scared to death of it.  Last one left me with no difference and was horrific to go through.  I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  Hopefully if I ever do, someone will take good care of our dogs and not split them up.  And not put Bubba down because he's ill.  He is happy and loves his sisters and Ligia, his mom.  I need one of your all encompassing, heart melting hugs Mom..........  I love you.

Dear Mom....... Christmas

Dear Mom.......   Only after I did it did I realize what I'd done.  It's Christmas in less than a couple of weeks and I thought I would bear up good all things considered but I'm not doing all so well.  Today I had to go run down to the local $1 store and grab some garbage bags and bread and there were those cherry chocolates you love so much.  So not thinking I grabbed a box and went through the cash with my stuff.  It wasn't until I was half way home did I realize what I did.  Stupid.....

Dear Mom....... it's getting harder

Dear Mom....  My days are getting longer, harder.  More nerve pain and much more nerve itch which is driving me nuts.  I worry daily about what's going to happen to me and more so, the dogs.  I'm afraid of what happens when and if I'm no longer able to take care of them.  I don't know what I'm going to do Ma.....  I would give anything to talk to you about this. :-(  

Dear Mom.......... Christmas

Dear Mom......  I thought last Christmas was the worst there could be.  Me in the hospital for 6 weeks unable to walk and you stuck in that damn nursing home while I was unable to care for you.  And our dogs in more hours a day than they should ever be :-(   But this year.....  this year is almost unbearable without you.  I want to buy you a gift, watch your smile grow as you open it and watch you beam when you see what it is.  I love you mom and I really miss you right now.  I don't care if I have no one around me for Christmas, but not having you is so hard.

Dear Mom..... presents

Dear Mom.... I'm sitting here going through facebook and my cousin Sue put this cute thing on there about a teddy bear decorating a tree and doing presents.  It brought back a wonderful memory from many, many years ago.  When our 45 yr olds were just little, maybe 5 yrs old.  When we used to shop at the old Towers store and bought them everything in sight.  There were dressed from underwear to warm sweaters and toys and more toys.  We would buy them jeans for $5 and small toys for $1 and such.  I remember sitting in the middle of this same livingroom floor with tons of rolls of paper and tape.  You on the sofa.  You would pick out the paper and write the tags while I wrapped.  Then you would tag the gifts.  Oh my god there were well over 100 presents under that tree.  4 or 5 feet out from under it and at least a foot high or more.  Every one had a bow too!  We would play Christmas music while we did it.  And every year, without fail until she passed away, the Korean lady down the hall who's son owned the variety store out the back, would have carollers knock on her door and we would open our door and listen while we wrapped.  They were amazing.....  Made me smile, that memory did.  This year no tree, no presents, no mom, but I still have my memories.  They will somehow see me through.  I love you mom.  This is going to be a very hard Christmas.

Dear Mom........ found!

Dear Mom!  I've been found!!  How are they finding this blog?  Not many, only a few but that's a few too many.  I don't have this set up to be followed or anything of the sorts.  I'm going to have to go and check out the settings in this some more and make sure everything that needs to be blocked off is blocked off.  Damn...... 

Dear Mom....... depression

Dear Mom......  I'm clinically depressed.  I'm so sorry I can't be the person you want me to be any more.  I'm tired of living with this kind of pain all the time.   The only way to get rid of it is to dope myself up so much with narcotics that life really isn't worth living.  Who the hell wants to sleep all day? Not me, I'm not that type.  I need to be active, always doing something and I can't any more.  Either the nerve damage or pain restricts my movements so much now.  I wish you were here to talk to or at least get one of your great hugs.

Dear Mom..... when.?

Dear Mom......  Saw that Karen is having a hard day today missing Damon.  Find him and hug him for her ok?   Tell him that you love him like only a mom can do :-) 

You were the wisest person I knew, I always turned to you.  Now you're gone and I don't know when this hollowed out space in my heart starts to heal........    when does the longing ache go away........  when do you stop wanting to just die in your sleep so the pain is no more and you can be with the ones you loved again???

 I am so sorry that I never understood the hell you went through when Donna died.  I hope though that I was of some help and that my hugs comforted you in some small way.  Being so ill yourself and unable to do anything while your first born lay in another hospital across town dying must have been pain unlike anything you had ever felt before and you had a such hard life.

I love you mom..

Dear Mom.......... sad

Dear Mom.......  I'm just so sad today.  I don't even know why but I am.  I'm also very afraid of what's going on with my back again.  I'm having symptoms much like this time last year when I ended up in hospital for 6 weeks and couldn't walk.  Our family Dr put in a requisition for a back surgeon at Mount Sinai but has heard nothing back yet and it's been months.  Scares me that I'll end up in St. Mike's again.  These health issues are all getting too much for me.  I wish you were here for me to talk to :-(  I love you ma... and I miss you so much.

Dear Mom;...... almost

Dear Mom.......   damn near got hit by a pick up today.  Wasn't my fault.  I was crossing Wellesley St. at Ontario and there was a pluming company pick up truck across the street parked in the bike lane!  So I cross on the green and doesn't this moron decide to look over his right shoulder at the sidewalk and proceed to back the hell up right into the road!!  Where I was!!!  Freakin asshole.  This guy in a van was honking his horn at him and he's ignoring it.  I'm yelling at him.  Guy in the van shouts at me to get the phone number and call.  So I did.  And as he saw me getting his phone number he immediately stopped backing up, put his foot on the gas and took off like a shot out of hell.  I called them, blasted them, told them I wanted his named and license because I'm reporting him.  Waiting.

Dear Mom........... thank you card

Dear Mom...... 

  Last Friday I was miserable. It was the 5th anniversary of Donna's death. Not only was I sad about that, but of course it also brought forward your recent death too.  Then mid afternoon Mike, my office staff that day, called me and told me there was a card in my office for me! I wasn't sure what the hell he was talking about and didn't feeling like leaving the house but I did. I went to my office and there it was. A card! I opened it, shitty mood and all, and there inside the envelope was this lovely violet card with flowers on it. And inside was a note, a wonderful note saying thank you from one of my senior lady's and her husband. It was a thank you for taking them to the Ripley's Aquarium on a group trip. I held that card to my chest and fought back the tears. It seriously made my day. When I saw her a few days later at one of our meals I made sure I gave her a hug and thanked her for pulling me out of a terrible mood and day and for saying thanks.  Few do.  When I got home I took that card and I put it on the bulletin board in your room.

Dear Mom....... secrets

Dear Mom...   I'm glad no one will ever find this blog.  By the time I'm finished with it it may be full of my secrets, your secrets and our family secrets. :-)      Actually just wanted to say I love you and really miss you.    hey....  Bubba is doing better too ma.  He is able to get up on the bed with the help of the staircase now and he can sit again too.  He was so stiff from the lupus that the poor thing couldn't even just sit for months.  No fever again either.  Your puppies still miss you.  I still find them in your room, laying on the floor around your bed.  Sometimes I find one just sitting in your room at the side of your bed, looking up as if waiting for you to pop your head over the edge and pet them like you always did.  I wonder if dogs forget......  Karen thinks they do but I think they don't.  I think that's true because you see these stories where dogs are reunited with someone they haven't seen in many years and they absolutely do recognize them.

Dear Mom......... St. Mike's hospital would rob a homeless person if given a chance.

Dear Mom...    I was told to go to St. Michael's hospital (we both know how I feel about them) for my physio.  Since my family Dr. is affiliated with them, with a referral from him I won't have to pay for it.  SURPRISE!!   I go all the way down there today for my first physio only to be told head office brought down a new directive and for now on we have to pay so it will be $70 !!!  I told her they can stuff it at that cost.  The physiotherapist came out and showed me 3 exercises to do and gave me a sheet about them and told me a place I may still get it free.  I know the place, they are not wheelchair accessible.  St. Michael's would rob a homeless person, I swear.

Dear Mom.......... pain

Dear Mom.....  damn I'm in so much pain lately.  I'm still waiting (after about 5mths) for that back surgeon from Mt Sinai to call with an appt.  And this dislocation is going to be the death of me yet.  Healed in 6 weeks my ass.  How the hell did they come up with that stupid #.   I'm so tired, I'm up half the night just trying to find a position that doesn't hurt so much that I can get some sleep.  I'm very tired of it.  In the middle of the night I was thinking that I wished I could just go to bed and die in my sleep and get this all over with.  No one deserves this much pain all this time.

Dear Mom........ snow!

Dear Mom.........   aw shit, yesterday it snowed a wee bit and again today.  ok, I've had enough already, where's the sunshine and warmth?

I had a busy day today.  Tried to get a grant in on time and got it screwed up but I'll do it either tonight or tomorrow.  Had a lady named Cathy Crowe gather a group of nursing students and bring them over to learn about my seniors program.  The group of nursing students brought a load of non-perishables for us!  A good assortment too.  I was very grateful for it.  Cathy used to be a nurse at the old Wellesley Hospital Medical Ctr downstairs here!  30 or more years ago now.  Then she went on to be a street nurse for the homeless.  Now she is still doing that but also working with student nurses.   It was very kind of her to take the program under her wing. :-)

Dear Mom....... never ends

Dear Mom......  not that I'm glad you are no longer in my life but I am glad that you are not here to endure the shit I've been going through this year.  It would have worried you sick.  You worried too much about me so I hid a lot.  Not so you were unaware, just because I love you.  I've been having an issue with not much of a pulse in my feet so Dr. Handford sent me for tests...  ma..  I am looking at bypass surgery down the line.  My legs hurt.  It's the arteries up by my groin, both are blocked.  Even the arteries hurt, or what I assume are the arteries.  I think of Donna and what she went through with her bypass surgery.  It was a nightmare.  And other people I know.  It scares the life out of me and I wish you were here to talk to but then again, I probably wouldn't so you wouldn't be frightened.  I see Michael Kutryk in a couple of weeks for my cardiology appt.  I'll speak to him about it.  He only deals with my heart attacks but maybe he can send me to someone he knows and knows will do a good job of surgery on me.   Then I'm dealing with my back too.  The disc is bothering me again ma.  Scares me.  I can't deal with another 6 weeks of being unable to walk and more nerve damage.  My damn body is falling apart.  I'm not that old ma.  I need one of your hugs. :-( 

Dear Mom........ for me??

Dear Mom....  With today being the anniversary of Dee's death I was sad and not having the best of days but Mike, my office guy (you would have loved him) called me to tell me there was a card there for me.  For me??  A card??  When I went to my office there was a card!  He wasn't kidding.  I opened it up and it was from a husband and wife that come to the group now and it was a lovely card with a sweet note in it thanking me for taking them to the aquarium!!  I was so shocked.  I'll treasure that card.  It couldn't have come on a better day.  It lifted my spirits.

Later this evening I went to Kevin's fund raiser for his organization to support the kids summer camp.  Even though you have passed I still bought a ticket in your name.  I know you would have wanted that because we always support Kevin's causes.  This year though I stepped up and helped.  Tania and I did the food table.  It was good for me too.  It's been a long day, I'm going to hit the hay.  Good night mom.  I love you.  Say hi to Dee for me please.

Dear Mom....... Aquarium

Dear Mom.....   I forgot to tell you.  Wednesday I took the seniors group to the Ripley's Aquarium.  At first it was hard for me considering I booked all these trips for them because you wanted to go.  And you especially wanted to go to the aquarium again.  You loved it so much.  I'm so sorry you didn't get there again.  It was difficult at first because I was sad you weren't there to see it all again but as time went by I did smile and felt like I did the right thing by not cancelling the trip.  It felt good to see the others all excited and so happy to be there.  Some were so thrilled, you would have loved being their little tour guide. :-) 

Dear Mom.. Dee

Dear Mom..    It's so hard to believe it's been 5 long years since your first born died.  My eldest sister Donna.  I'm sure you are keeping Dee very close to you these days now you two are together and you're making up for lost time these past 5 long years.  Tell Dee I love her and we are all thinking of her on this day.  Give her a hug for us all too ok?  I'm glad you and dad are with DeeDee.

Dear Mom.. Ehlers Danlos

Dear Mom........  today I saw what had to be the stupidest thing on the internet in a long time.  There's this guy, not sure where he's from but it doesn't matter really, and he literally packs himself away in a suitcase!  He calls himself "elastic man".  He has put himself on display at Ripley's Believe it or Not somewhere...  anyway, as I watched this man twist himself and the reporter talk about how he dislocates his joints I just wanted to scream.  This idiot has Ehlers Danlos and he is literally causing his joints to dislocate for entertainment!!  He even admits he has it in the interview.  He is in for some much trouble when he's older.  If he knows he has this disease why the hell doesn't he know there is no fix for it and one day those joints he twists and turns against their normal will, will not relocate on their own.  One day he is in such big trouble.  I wouldn't want to be him in 10 yrs.  I can't live with my ehlers danlos issues some days and yours were not all that easy either and this idiot makes it worse?  geez and shame on Ripleys for using it as entertainment.  This guy needs to see a shrink.

Dear Mom... frustrated

Dear Mom...   I'm having such a frustrating day today.  Nothing is going right and the group is driving me crazy.  Last night I made a huge decision and I'm going to return the funding I got for the next 3 trips for the seniors group because it's just too much work for me and they really couldn't give a shit.  Every time I set up a trip they say they want they back out at the last minute costing us a lot of money.  The trip to Cambridge cost me a bus I didn't need.. $700.00 !  so many decided at the last minute not to come.  Then there is this trip, to the ripley's aquarium.  I started with 30 that absolutely wanted to go..  this morning I have 21.  These people just don't care how much it costs me.  If one more person quits I will lose the discount on the tickets too.  They don't get it, no matter what I say to them.  So I quit... last night I decided it was time to send back the funding to the seniors secretariat with a letter explaining why.  I'm sorry if this disappoints you.  I know how much you wanted to go on these trips and that's really why I applied for funding for Cambridge and ripleys and casa loma.  The group will still go to Casa Loma but that's it.  The zoo, agha kham museum and R.O.M. are being returned.  I'm way too tired.  This has been too hard a year.  I wish you were here for me to talk to about this.  You always had the right words Ma.  You always got me through stupid shit like this.  I'm 58 now... thank goodness I'm not going to be around all that much longer.  Now I'm told I will need bypass too.  Enough already.  I hope one day to just go to bed and have that last coronary and join you and the rest of my family.

Dear Mom... "stuffies"

Dear Mom...  today I was in a dollarama store and I turned the corner and there they were!  Stuffies!  At least that's what you called them. :-)   Those cute little stuffed animals I kept buying you.  The ones we put on the rails of your bed so when you leaned against the bed railing you didn't get a dent in your head for doing it lol  I hated those marks on your head in the morning.  I all but picked one up.  There were different ones... ones you don't have and I lost my mind for a minute and actually started to reach out for one of the new ones for you :-(  I wonder when this is going to stop.  Every time I go by a store that I used to buy you something in I start for it.  Then I remember.  I know I bought you too much, some people said that but I loved how happy it made you, especially the bright new clothing.  You loved new tops and even little things.  Your smiles would brighten the entire room.  I love your smiles and miss them so much.

Dear Mom........ my own war zone

Dear Mom......  on my birthday a few days ago a young man killed his step father in our building.  We have been dealing with the aftermath of that incident ever since with all the forensics trucks, etc. around.  Now today there were over 20 cops in the building chasing down one guy.  As I waited for someone in the lobby out comes this cop with this huge freaking automatic rifle hanging off his flak jacket ...    it's getting harder and harder to live here.  I'm glad you are not enduring this either, it would be way too stressful for you.  It's much like my own little war zone here these days.

Dear Mom... Bubba

Dear Mom...  Not that I'm happy you're not here but I'm happy you're not here to see what Bubba is going through.  You're little boy dog is miserable.  He has Lupus.  For 3 months he had a 105 temperature.  He could barely walk.  His legs seized up and he always looked so sad.  He is slowly on the mend.  I kept taking him to Chris and he was finally diagnosed.  Now he pee's every hr and a half thanks to the meds he is on but he's really starting to improve.  Today was the first day for me to lessen how much of this medication he gets so tonight I'll get some sleep instead of being up every couple of hours to let him out.  He also has to be on antibiotics for 3 months.  Please watch over him mom.  With this year being what it was I can't handle the thought of putting him down thanks to this horrific disease.  Soon he will be able to get back up on the bed I think :-) 

Dear Mom - plants

Dear Mom...   late last night I fixed the plants.  When you passed away I received 3 beautiful containers/baskets from organizations and friends for me to take home.  I've had them all the time since.  2 on the balcony and one inside.  Damn squirrels got to one.  What was left of it I put in the one they left alone so now there are two beautiful containers/baskets.  One is in the livingroom and the other I put in your bedroom.  Too cold outside these days for them.  I hope they survive.

Dear Mom......

I miss you like you would never believe.  You died in June, it's now November.  Your birthday was such a struggle for me.  I didn't even want to get out of bed.  You were on my mind literally all day and night and my birthday wasn't any better.  After all my life celebrating our birthdays together it was heart wrenching.  I remembered how you would call me into your room and when I asked you what you wanted you would throw your arms as wide open as you could and you would grin from ear to ear.  All you wanted was a hug.  I would give anything for one of your hugs.

Dear Mom.....

Dear Mom......  today I was out and suddenly in my head was "Dear Mom, this isn't getting any easier".   "Dear Mom, today some ass almost ran over me running a light".   Dear Mom...  I should do a blog called "Dear Mom".  So here I am.  I'm going to give this a try anyway.

  This isn't anything fancy, just my thoughts to you.