Dear Mom....... I'm wondering if I'm looking a wee bit rough around the edges these days. Today I went to Crappy Tire to get the dogs new beds for Christmas and to get Karen a little something to take to her home (she invited me for Christmas dinner so I'm not alone), and all of a sudden someone came up to me I haven't seen in some time. Joseph, a really nice guy, one of the few left, that works for housing. He kept mentioning my health. Do I really look that bad these days?
I cry a lot lately Mom... I miss you and these holidays are not going over very well for me. I'm trying to cheer the hell up but it's not working. I don't have any Christmas decorations up. No one has called me to help so they are sitting up on the top shelf of the closet where I guess they will just stay. Maybe I'll stay home and be miserable here instead of inflicting myself on Karen's family on what's suppose to be a joyous day.
I need to do something. I think I would be good at giving out dinners somewhere but I can only stand for so long so I'm not much good really am I? If I had money I'd go out and feed some people that way but I don't have the money to do that. I need to win Friday's Lotto Max, it's $60 million. I could feed a whole lot of people with that. I wish I could fill my hours like that. Giving it away slowly to those that really need it. Sometimes I just want to shut down my organization because some of those people are just so greedy Mom. You used to tell me that and boy is it ever true. I actually removed a few people from the program simply because of that. Greed.
I hate this Christmas without you.... In these past 5 years of taking care of you since you were bedbound I hadn't thought about what would happen when you were gone. I didn't think of how many friends dropped off because I wasn't available any more. I'm not complaining Mom, never will about taking care of you. I just never realized how they were dropping off until now and now I realize how alone I really am.
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