Dear Mom....... the day after

Dear Mom..  yesterday was really good once I was out of here and at Karen's.  It felt so good to be surrounded by family (or the next best thing).  All of whom knew you and loved you like I did.  And we talked about you too :-)  I love them all and they love me and I could feel it at a much needed time in my life.  I thought the last 6 months were hard without you but yesterday was the worst day I think.

Today I'm so-so.  Kind of back to normal.  Weepy on and off.  I forgot to take pictures yesterday so I'm annoyed at myself.  Also I made a few decisions today.  Let me tell you, you have one hell of a racist little niece out there. She just can't give it a rest.  Today, the day after Christmas she's online posting untrue stories to provoke hatred to Muslims.  I've already had it out with her about this shit and you should hear her.  You would be appalled and shocked.  I've warned her (and her sister at one point) that I'll take them off my facebook soon because that stuff disgusts me.  So since she's already started again, just one day after Christmas, she is going off my fb.  I'm sick of it.  I told her to customize her shit and put me in the "don't show this to" box but she refuses to.  So she is going, I don't give a shit if she's my cousin.  And she really hurt your sister too.  She called me Christmas morning because she was missing you and wanted to talk to me and wish me a merry Christmas and while we were talking she told me that this cousin of mine was in one of her moods and hadn't talked to her, her own mom, for weeks and Christmas morning she tried to call her daughter and no one answered the phone!  I felt so bad for her.   Even if they went out for Christmas day to visit their adult children, she could have picked up the phone first and called her mom.  Shame on her and she'll regret that one day.

Well........ I guess I should get my shit together.  I have a grant proposal to do and check my email and go and block that racist cousin of mine lol ..   I love you mom. (((hugs)))

Dear Mom......... Merry Christmas :-)

Dear Mom......  Merry Christmas Mom!  ((((Hugs))))  Our first Christmas not together.  It's way too quiet in here and way too lonely.  No gifts.  It was difficult to not keep buying little things I saw while out.  I think maybe that was the hardest.  All the decorations in the stores and outside and on homes..  there was no forgetting for a moment it was Christmas and you weren't here to celebrate with me.  No presents for you.  No watching you smile so big when you opened even the smallest of gifts.  Yesterday I paid Mel to put up a few of the hanging decorations.  It just seemed way too empty in here with nothing up.  Took a lot to refrain from decorating your room this year.  I'm so used to doing it all up for you so you could enjoy the decorations all through the season.  Of course no one in our family offered to do it for us (me).  One would think I would be used to that.  Mel has been paid to do it for us for more years than not. 

I have one little tiny tree lol  Your friend Gertrude and her granddaughter gave it to me at the seniors Christmas Event this year!  It's cute, you would love it.  Clear plastic tree that shines different colours.  I'm sure they picked it up at the $ store but that doesn't matter.  It brings me a bit of joy and that's all that counts. 

You wouldn't believe the weather either.  Yesterday it was 63 degrees F !!!  Yes!  It's freakin weird.  I would have taken you out for a nice walk yesterday for at least an hour in nothing more than your thick sweater.  You would have loved it!  It's been really unseasonably warm ma.  The dogs are loving it :-)  They get up every morning eager to go out.  I open the door and there's no cold air!  It's Christmas morning and it's 45 degree's out there.  Imagine that!

I love you Mom.  And Christmas will never ever be the same for me.  Just another lonely day.  I'm going to Karen's for dinner later this afternoon and that will be nice.  Lisa and Noah will be there and I have gifts for Noah and little Robbie (Karen's grandchildren).  I'll put up a good front and I will have a good time and glad I can spend some time with those I consider my family.

(((hugs)))) mom.........  big time.

Dear Mom......... rough around the edges

Dear Mom.......  I'm wondering if I'm looking a wee bit rough around the edges these days.  Today I went to Crappy Tire to get the dogs new beds for Christmas and to get Karen a little something to take to her home (she invited me for Christmas dinner so I'm not alone), and all of a sudden someone came up to me I haven't seen in some time.  Joseph, a really nice guy, one of the few left, that works for housing.  He kept mentioning my health.  Do I really look that bad these days?

I cry a lot lately Mom...  I miss you and these holidays are not going over very well for me.  I'm trying to cheer the hell up but it's not working.  I don't have any Christmas decorations up.  No one has called me to help so they are sitting up on the top shelf of the closet where I guess they will just stay.  Maybe I'll stay home and be miserable here instead of inflicting myself on Karen's family on what's suppose to be a joyous day. 

I need to do something.  I think I would be good at giving out dinners somewhere but I can only stand for so long so I'm not much good really am I?  If I had money I'd go out and feed some people that way but I don't have the money to do that.  I need to win Friday's Lotto Max, it's $60 million.  I could feed a whole lot of people with that.  I wish I could fill my hours like that.  Giving it away slowly to those that really need it.  Sometimes I just want to shut down my organization because some of those people are just so greedy Mom.  You used to tell me that and boy is it ever true.  I actually removed a few people from the program simply because of that.  Greed. 

I hate this Christmas without you....    In these past 5 years of taking care of you since you were bedbound I hadn't thought about what would happen when you were gone.  I didn't think of how many friends dropped off because I wasn't available any more.  I'm not complaining Mom, never will about taking care of you.  I just never realized how they were dropping off until now and now I realize how alone I really am. 

Dear Mom.......... dark

Dear Mom.......  I'm in such a dark place lately.  Not sure if it's Christmas coming or just me.  I'm in a lot of pain too.  Between my back and nerve pain I think I'm about to lose it.  No matter what I do, sit or stand or lay down, it all hurts the same.  I take more pain killers now than I ever did and all they keep talking about is back surgery again and I am scared to death of it.  Last one left me with no difference and was horrific to go through.  I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  Hopefully if I ever do, someone will take good care of our dogs and not split them up.  And not put Bubba down because he's ill.  He is happy and loves his sisters and Ligia, his mom.  I need one of your all encompassing, heart melting hugs Mom..........  I love you.

Dear Mom....... Christmas

Dear Mom.......   Only after I did it did I realize what I'd done.  It's Christmas in less than a couple of weeks and I thought I would bear up good all things considered but I'm not doing all so well.  Today I had to go run down to the local $1 store and grab some garbage bags and bread and there were those cherry chocolates you love so much.  So not thinking I grabbed a box and went through the cash with my stuff.  It wasn't until I was half way home did I realize what I did.  Stupid.....

Dear Mom....... it's getting harder

Dear Mom....  My days are getting longer, harder.  More nerve pain and much more nerve itch which is driving me nuts.  I worry daily about what's going to happen to me and more so, the dogs.  I'm afraid of what happens when and if I'm no longer able to take care of them.  I don't know what I'm going to do Ma.....  I would give anything to talk to you about this. :-(  

Dear Mom.......... Christmas

Dear Mom......  I thought last Christmas was the worst there could be.  Me in the hospital for 6 weeks unable to walk and you stuck in that damn nursing home while I was unable to care for you.  And our dogs in more hours a day than they should ever be :-(   But this year.....  this year is almost unbearable without you.  I want to buy you a gift, watch your smile grow as you open it and watch you beam when you see what it is.  I love you mom and I really miss you right now.  I don't care if I have no one around me for Christmas, but not having you is so hard.

Dear Mom..... presents

Dear Mom.... I'm sitting here going through facebook and my cousin Sue put this cute thing on there about a teddy bear decorating a tree and doing presents.  It brought back a wonderful memory from many, many years ago.  When our 45 yr olds were just little, maybe 5 yrs old.  When we used to shop at the old Towers store and bought them everything in sight.  There were dressed from underwear to warm sweaters and toys and more toys.  We would buy them jeans for $5 and small toys for $1 and such.  I remember sitting in the middle of this same livingroom floor with tons of rolls of paper and tape.  You on the sofa.  You would pick out the paper and write the tags while I wrapped.  Then you would tag the gifts.  Oh my god there were well over 100 presents under that tree.  4 or 5 feet out from under it and at least a foot high or more.  Every one had a bow too!  We would play Christmas music while we did it.  And every year, without fail until she passed away, the Korean lady down the hall who's son owned the variety store out the back, would have carollers knock on her door and we would open our door and listen while we wrapped.  They were amazing.....  Made me smile, that memory did.  This year no tree, no presents, no mom, but I still have my memories.  They will somehow see me through.  I love you mom.  This is going to be a very hard Christmas.

Dear Mom........ found!

Dear Mom!  I've been found!!  How are they finding this blog?  Not many, only a few but that's a few too many.  I don't have this set up to be followed or anything of the sorts.  I'm going to have to go and check out the settings in this some more and make sure everything that needs to be blocked off is blocked off.  Damn...... 

Dear Mom....... depression

Dear Mom......  I'm clinically depressed.  I'm so sorry I can't be the person you want me to be any more.  I'm tired of living with this kind of pain all the time.   The only way to get rid of it is to dope myself up so much with narcotics that life really isn't worth living.  Who the hell wants to sleep all day? Not me, I'm not that type.  I need to be active, always doing something and I can't any more.  Either the nerve damage or pain restricts my movements so much now.  I wish you were here to talk to or at least get one of your great hugs.

Dear Mom..... when.?

Dear Mom......  Saw that Karen is having a hard day today missing Damon.  Find him and hug him for her ok?   Tell him that you love him like only a mom can do :-) 

You were the wisest person I knew, I always turned to you.  Now you're gone and I don't know when this hollowed out space in my heart starts to heal........    when does the longing ache go away........  when do you stop wanting to just die in your sleep so the pain is no more and you can be with the ones you loved again???

 I am so sorry that I never understood the hell you went through when Donna died.  I hope though that I was of some help and that my hugs comforted you in some small way.  Being so ill yourself and unable to do anything while your first born lay in another hospital across town dying must have been pain unlike anything you had ever felt before and you had a such hard life.

I love you mom..

Dear Mom.......... sad

Dear Mom.......  I'm just so sad today.  I don't even know why but I am.  I'm also very afraid of what's going on with my back again.  I'm having symptoms much like this time last year when I ended up in hospital for 6 weeks and couldn't walk.  Our family Dr put in a requisition for a back surgeon at Mount Sinai but has heard nothing back yet and it's been months.  Scares me that I'll end up in St. Mike's again.  These health issues are all getting too much for me.  I wish you were here for me to talk to :-(  I love you ma... and I miss you so much.