Dear Mom....... lovebird

Dear Mom......  it's been quite a while.  Not that you are not on my mind daily, many times a day at that but there have been times I just have not wanted to blog.  So many things remind me of you and I see you in my dreams as well.  It's been over a year now yet I'm told this will not stop!    I've been keeping myself extremely busy with the seniors program and you would be so proud of me and it.  This year I have $75,200 to spend on it!!  Imagine!! You would have loved to have participated.  We just had our annual bbq and it seemed so odd without you there.  You were always my biggest cheerleader. :-)  oxoxoxox

Mom...  one of our love birds is dying.  I don't think it will last out the hour.  It happened very suddenly.  It was fine one minute, nothing out of the ordinary.  So Sadia and I were just talking while I took out the tray of the cage to clean it.  Then next thing you know I can't find one of the birds!  I'm looking all over, they are always together.  Even when eating.  I thought maybe it flew out when I opened the door but that made no sense.  Then I found it, on the ground of the cage, breathing heavily.  Slowly it got up the cage wall and with it's mate.  But we watched it, breathing so hard and it kept closing it's eyes. :-(  Then it started to sway on the perch!  I thought it was going to fall off.  For the next 45 minutes it moved around a bit here and there, I was surprised but about 10 minutes ago while I was sweeping up the floor I hear a "thud" and I find him on the cage bottom :-(  He fell off the perch :-(   He was alive but stunned.  When I reached in to pick him up he got up and started to climb the sides of the cage again.  I waited until he got closer and then I picked him up and sat him down on the cage floor.  I didn't want him to fall again.  He's been there about 10 minutes now, I just checked him and he looks like he's taking his last breath :-(  He was layed out, wings spread a bit.. I reached in with a facecloth to pick him up and suddenly he got on his feet so I left him alone.    I'm scared to go out and look at him again.  I wish I had a back yard to bury him instead of putting him in a bag and putting him in the garbage chute.  Seems a really shitty thing to do to such a great bird.

Mom.....  please take care of "Lost" when he passes......   I will take care of "Found" and hopefully he will survive without his mate but I'm sure he is going to mourn.

Dear Mom....... yesterday

Mommy.......  I couldn't bring myself to write to you yesterday.  Other than the day of your death, the 1st anniversary of it was the worst in my life.  It was a very hard day to push through mom.  I went to work for a few hours but still struggled to push through that.  I still don't know what to say other than I would give my own life to have one more day with you.  One more of your huge hugs, one more fun conversation, to see one more of your brilliant smiles.  I miss you so much Mom.  More than I ever thought possible. :-(   I love you.

Dear Mom.... caching!

Dear Mom.....   So much has been going on in my life these past 6 months it's just crazy.  By the time 10 pm comes along I just drop into bed I'm so damn tired.  During the day, around 4 or 5 pm, I grab a 2 hr nap if I can and I swear I need to drag myself out of that bed sometimes.

In early January I asked a friend of mine named Darcy to help me pound out a new grant that I thought I could never obtain.  43% of those that apply get it.  I also did the normal grant I apply for as well for $25,000.  The one I pounded out in January over 2 days was for $50,200.  So time came and time went and I heard nothing from either.  February passed, nothing.  I always hear in February if I'm going to get the regular grant for $25,000 and not a word.  Early March, nothing.  I figured I didn't get it.  BUT..  late March I got a call telling me they were very far behind and the grants had just been handed out and I got it again!!!  The cheque would come in April :-)

So April comes and so does the cheque :-)  Then one day the 2nd week of April I was feeling really shitty, depressed, tired, in pain and I had an appt. with the Dr.  On the way home my phone rings and I didn't recognize the name so I almost didn't answer it because I didn't feel like it.  But I did.... and what a surprise it was.  A gentleman on the other end introduced himself and he told me I got my other grant too!!  $50,200 Ma!!!  I have a total of $75,000 in grants this year. 

 I so wish you were here to celebrate with me this amazing thing.  I know you would be so very proud and happy too.  I will be able to address a lot of issues for the seniors and to be able to put $75,000 into the program in one year is knock your socks off kind of money.  They are going to have such a wonderful year this year.

And you know who I have to thank right?  You..  Without you I never would have been taught to be independent, to try for everything and that it's ok if you don't achieve everything because you tried.  You taught me so well mom..  You invested so much time and effort into me.  You have no idea how much I appreciate all you did for me and all you taught me.  I wish you were here to see that cheque and to be able to participate in it all.

Some days I ache so bad missing you...  On those really bad days I try to keep you so close to my heart to comfort me and remind me you are proud of me and what I do and who I am.  But I would give anything to see your face looking at that cheque.    xoxoxoxox mom

Dear Mom...... Spring!

Dear mom...  Your favourite season is here.  Like me, you love the heat of summer but also like me, you LOVE to watch everything come back to life.  The tree's filling out, the bushes bulging, the flowers budding and all those sweet baby animals :-) 

It was Mother's Day the other day and I had a challenge getting through it without falling apart. I could have seriously done without my dumbass sister calling to remind me it was Mother's Day, as if I needed to be reminded.'

The weather has been glorious, perfect weather to take you out for a stroll in.  The kind of weather you loved, warm with lots of sun to beat down on you and envelope you in it's warmth.

I love you mom and miss you so much.  As usual, I would give anything to have you here and get one of your big old hugs.

xoxooxx

Dear Mom....... I'm lost

Dear Mom....  I know it's been a long time.  Believe me, I haven't forgotten you.  Far be it.  You are on my mind all the time.  I'm lost these days.  I'm deeply depressed, I'm constantly so tired and I miss you so much. I am so lost without you to talk to.  I am so lost without you to hug, take care of, love.  I have no one to go to for wisdom.  I don't even get any satisfaction out of my company anymore or work that goes along with it.  Nothing fills me anymore.  My home is empty without you in it.  I don't know what to do anymore with my time away from work.  Something great happens and I turn to tell you because I know how proud or happy you would be.  My depression is out of hand, as is my pain situation too.

Dear Mom.... pain

Dear Mom....    what a weird day.  I have been pain free all day!  What on earth is going on?  I literally can't remember the last day I was pain free.  It's been so many years.  I don't know why, I had a really bad pain day yesterday and as usual I woke up really stiff.  My back feels tight but it's not aching and I worked all day today.  I went in at 9:30 and got home at 5:30.  The only time it hurt today was when I bumped into a table and it hit the nerve.  What a weird day but I'm not complaining.   Hugs to you mom, I love you so much and miss you even more.

Dear Mom... it happened again

Dear Sweet Little Mom of Mine...  Under any circumstances I don't want to tell you this but at least I don't have to do it to your sweet face and watch the pain I'm about to inflict.  You have lost another of your children.  Your second eldest this time.  Your son died yesterday morning mom.  Same as your eldest daughter.  She was 66 and died of lung cancer and he was 66 and died of lung cancer.  I have but one sister left and she smokes and is 66 this August.  And I don't think she's going to do the math or get it so I'm wondering what is going to happen in this coming year and some :-(   I'm sorry mom.  Seems I'm always the one to give you bad news.  Even after you are gone yourself.

I love you mom and I hate still being the bearer of bad news for you. :-(  When the weather gets a bit better I'm going to see if someone can drive me to the grave to visit with you, dad, Dee and Gram.

Dear Mom......... pain

Dear Mom......  shit I'm in so much pain all the time.  Remember when I spent 6 weeks in the hospital with my back?  December 15th/2014 I woke up and couldn't walk..  thankfully it was your weekend in the nursing home so I had a break but the pain for a few weeks that led up to that was horrible.  I called an ambulance and ended up spending 6 weeks almost in the hospital and I still couldn't walk right when I finally got released.

It's back......  I had a bit of a break for a few months afterwards but it's back with a vengeance now Mom.  And this time the nerves down both sides are being effected.  I'm not happy.  Saw the Dr. last week.  I'm taking enough morphine now, both extended and regular so upping that isn't really an option so instead we upped my Lyrica instead.  Which is making me woozy.  yippie.  And not helping either.

I have to see a back surgeon again.  Well first I have to go to Sunnybrook to see a physiotherapist for an extensive overview then I see the back surgeon.  That happens next month some time.

I'm so tired of this. :-(

Dear Mom........ me

Dear Mom......  I'm still here.  Just dealing with my life.  Seeing a back surgeon again soon I hope.  Have an appt. sometime early next month I think with Sunnybrook Hospital to get pre-assessed to see him.  What bullshit, I'm telling you.  In the meanwhile, I walk less and am in more pain.  My depression has deepened because I miss you so much and the daily misery I'm in.  Dr. upped my pain meds again.  I'm on a ridiculous amount of narcotics for this pain and they still aren't working.  I'm tired.  I told the Dr. I look forward to the day I go to bed and just don't wake up any more :-(

I love you mom.  It's been almost 9 months since you left us and it's not getting any easier.  When does it?  I wish I had you to talk to still, to lean on, to seek your wisdom.  You were one smart cookie Ma. :-)  I really miss your smile.

My phone is dying.  I have to get a new one.  This piece of crap won't allow pics to be removed from it and I'm afraid I'll lose the pictures of you on it.  I'm buying a new phone and the guy I'm buying it from thinks he can save my photo's of you.  I hope so.......  I'll lose it if we don't. 

Sending you a big hug mom.......  the kind you used to love to get and give.......  I hope when you check in on me you aren't too disappointed.  I'm doing the best I can right now.  Love you.

Dear Mom..... Valentines

Dear Mom........  Happy Valentines Day!  I hope you are spending it with my dad and sister and gram :-)  I love you so much and I miss you very much.  It was strange not buying for you today, every inch of me wanted to at least get you one of those cute balloons I usually get you and a card.  You are such a card person.  If you got nothing else but a card you would be so happy.  I almost sent you flowers lol  dumb but I think about you and I forget you're gone sometimes :-(    Love you Mom.

Dear Mom......... trying

Dear Mom.........  I am trying to move my ass out the door today.  I'm still not dressed yet and it's 12:30 pm.  Mind you the floors are clean and dishes done, etc.  Dogs are all having a sweet snooze.  ok, I really have to do this.  Wish me luck :-)    xoxo

Dear Mom........ blah, blah, blah

Dear Mom.......  it's been way too long since I wrote on this blog but believe me, you are in my thoughts daily.  Many things have been happening, none really good.  I'm fighting a battle with depression and I'm fighting to care about something but it's drawing away from me and I really couldn't care less any more.  I'm tired of being in constant chronic pain.  Waiting for surgeons to book appts.  I missed my last cancer check up and couldn't give a shit really.  I was assaulted by a crazy bitch yesterday and then at 4:18 am she decided to torch an apt. on her floor.  When I say crazy, I mean crazy.  Yea, I know it's not politically correct but I really don't give a rats ass about that either. 

I keep seeing this stupid commercial about Ontario cutting back something or another that will effect how seniors will see their Doctors.  It's very vague but the gist of it is there are unfair cutbacks coming to Doctors that will effect how our seniors or when our seniors will see the Doctors they need somehow.  I hate the fact it's so damn vague.  I want facts, not just innuendos.  Anyway, I keep seeing it and at the end of the commercial there is a woman, about my age, maybe less, and she has her older mom at the Dr. office.  And as they sit there, and the voice over is going, the daughter puts her hand over her mom's hand and then her mom takes her other hand and puts it over the daughters.  I'm both comforted and torn when I see this.  It makes me miss your touch so much.  I miss touching you and feeling the warmth of my loving mom.  I miss your beautiful smiles too.

I thought I was somewhat prepared for your death.  It wasn't a huge shock but I wasn't.  It's been 6 months Ma....  and it's still as fresh as it was the day you left.  I didn't understand what it was like, how my life would be, so empty, so lonely.  My siblings are as usual, engrossed in themselves and looking for money you supposedly had that never existed.  Something you said in a dementia moment to your other daughter that got her wound up and looking for it.  I actually had a good laugh at one point but really.....  it was so pathetic.  For the most part they couldn't have given a shit about you but the minute they thought you had a bit of cash........   geez they never paid that much attention to you when you were alive.  And that son of yours, I spent most of what was left in your bank account on lawyers thanks to his shit.  Oh, and he's not through yet.  His mental health issues are so serious and he swears I have to probate your will.  He's emphatic about it.  So now he's waiting for me to do your final taxes because he swears I have to probate your will then.  He's like a dog with a bone.  You had a couple of thousand maybe.  It went mostly towards the last of your funeral that wasn't paid for.  And lawyer fee's thanks to his bullshit.  In the end, if they are lucky, they will get a couple of hundred each but since I have no address or phone number for him and he never gave it to you...  how am I suppose to give it to him.  Let him take me to court.  I have witnesses and then maybe in front of a judge I can get an address to send him a cheque.   My happy day will come when someone calls me to tell me he had a massive coronary and died painfully. :-)