Dear Mom.... pain

Dear Mom....    what a weird day.  I have been pain free all day!  What on earth is going on?  I literally can't remember the last day I was pain free.  It's been so many years.  I don't know why, I had a really bad pain day yesterday and as usual I woke up really stiff.  My back feels tight but it's not aching and I worked all day today.  I went in at 9:30 and got home at 5:30.  The only time it hurt today was when I bumped into a table and it hit the nerve.  What a weird day but I'm not complaining.   Hugs to you mom, I love you so much and miss you even more.

Dear Mom... it happened again

Dear Sweet Little Mom of Mine...  Under any circumstances I don't want to tell you this but at least I don't have to do it to your sweet face and watch the pain I'm about to inflict.  You have lost another of your children.  Your second eldest this time.  Your son died yesterday morning mom.  Same as your eldest daughter.  She was 66 and died of lung cancer and he was 66 and died of lung cancer.  I have but one sister left and she smokes and is 66 this August.  And I don't think she's going to do the math or get it so I'm wondering what is going to happen in this coming year and some :-(   I'm sorry mom.  Seems I'm always the one to give you bad news.  Even after you are gone yourself.

I love you mom and I hate still being the bearer of bad news for you. :-(  When the weather gets a bit better I'm going to see if someone can drive me to the grave to visit with you, dad, Dee and Gram.

Dear Mom......... pain

Dear Mom......  shit I'm in so much pain all the time.  Remember when I spent 6 weeks in the hospital with my back?  December 15th/2014 I woke up and couldn't walk..  thankfully it was your weekend in the nursing home so I had a break but the pain for a few weeks that led up to that was horrible.  I called an ambulance and ended up spending 6 weeks almost in the hospital and I still couldn't walk right when I finally got released.

It's back......  I had a bit of a break for a few months afterwards but it's back with a vengeance now Mom.  And this time the nerves down both sides are being effected.  I'm not happy.  Saw the Dr. last week.  I'm taking enough morphine now, both extended and regular so upping that isn't really an option so instead we upped my Lyrica instead.  Which is making me woozy.  yippie.  And not helping either.

I have to see a back surgeon again.  Well first I have to go to Sunnybrook to see a physiotherapist for an extensive overview then I see the back surgeon.  That happens next month some time.

I'm so tired of this. :-(

Dear Mom........ me

Dear Mom......  I'm still here.  Just dealing with my life.  Seeing a back surgeon again soon I hope.  Have an appt. sometime early next month I think with Sunnybrook Hospital to get pre-assessed to see him.  What bullshit, I'm telling you.  In the meanwhile, I walk less and am in more pain.  My depression has deepened because I miss you so much and the daily misery I'm in.  Dr. upped my pain meds again.  I'm on a ridiculous amount of narcotics for this pain and they still aren't working.  I'm tired.  I told the Dr. I look forward to the day I go to bed and just don't wake up any more :-(

I love you mom.  It's been almost 9 months since you left us and it's not getting any easier.  When does it?  I wish I had you to talk to still, to lean on, to seek your wisdom.  You were one smart cookie Ma. :-)  I really miss your smile.

My phone is dying.  I have to get a new one.  This piece of crap won't allow pics to be removed from it and I'm afraid I'll lose the pictures of you on it.  I'm buying a new phone and the guy I'm buying it from thinks he can save my photo's of you.  I hope so.......  I'll lose it if we don't. 

Sending you a big hug mom.......  the kind you used to love to get and give.......  I hope when you check in on me you aren't too disappointed.  I'm doing the best I can right now.  Love you.